Happy Mothers Day!
Never thought I’d be celebrating this as a mother myself. Being a mum is the most challenging and rewarding thing I have done all at once which is such a mind fuck.
Only recently I have actually felt like a real mum. All the way through my pregnancy I didn’t feel like one, I know it’s weird to say but I kinda felt embarrassed… I can’t explain why I just felt alien. When people commented on my growing bump it made me feel sick. I hated my body I wasn’t ready for the changes it went through.
I didn’t feel the connection to my bump. When he first kicked me I felt gross. I didn’t want to feel it again. I got used to it and videoed the movements but I didn’t find it magical.
I was excited to meet him. But I think I was more excited about not being pregnant anymore and getting my life back (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
Edwin was breech which was undetected until I went to the maternity ward after having contractions all night. I wanted a water birth but after examiniation I was told I wasn’t in active labour (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?), and an ultrasound I was told I would be having an emergency cesarean. I was actually relieved.
I felt a bit nervous but I was actually so glad I wasn’t going to be in pain much longer, little did I know the recovery is a right bitch.
After a lot of tugging they annouced his birth and laid him on the table near my head. All I remember was the smell, he smelled so beautiful, which is weird since he probably just had my fanny juice all over him.
I felt love. But I didn’t feel that overwhelming feeling everyone went on about. What was wrong with me? Literally just a self centered bitch. Even on the ward afterwards, when Pete was cooing over him and my family came to see him I just felt.. empty. I loved my baby but I just felt… detached?
That first night on the ward I was not prepared for. So fucking lonely. So fucking clueless. One midwife was my saviour. She helped me walk to the toilet and changed my massive pad. Then got me back to bed and changed Edwin. He hadn’t had his nappy changed since he was born. I felt like a complete failure.
I just felt like a fraud. For the first two months I just felt like I was living a lie thinking I could raise this baby which came out of me somehow.
I can’t remember how or when it changed. Writing this makes me feel guilty that I ever felt that way.
Now I look at my Edwin and my heart aches. He’s literally my best friend. He has changed my life for the better and I struggle to remember how I was ever happy without him in it. When I was pregnant all I thought about was how my life was over and how fucking wrong was I!?
So don’t worry if you didn’t have an instagram perfect pregnancy. Or you didn’t relate to the overwhelmingly happy and loved up quotes. I didn’t either. Doesn’t make us bad mums or heartless. It makes us human. And it doesn’t matter how we got through it all, one thing is for sure, we bloody love our children more than anything in this shitty world.