I can deal with the lack of sleep, the guilt of not being a perfect mum and the constant worry that I’m doing it all wrong. What I’m finding most difficult, and yes it’s incredibly vain, but what I can’t come to terms with is how different my body looks.
Before giving birth I was convinced I would be able to bounce back to my pre pregnancy body. I know, I know, SO MANY LOLS RIGHT!? I keep telling myself I’m beautiful still because I’ve made a baby, but it’s hard when you have bin liners full of clothes that you wouldn’t be able to get away with now never mind squeeze into.
I feel robbed. It’s so hard to lose weight when the only enjoyment I have on my own is eating when I’m alone at night. Not enough credit is given to the party diet, just drinking every night and being too sick to even give food a thought.
It’s so damn unfair that I feel anything but sexy. I hate being naked. I follow every body positivity instagram there is and yet I look at myself in the mirror and want to rip the fat and flab off myself. I mean what the hell is that pocket that insists on making clothes harder to fit!?
I just want to wear lingerie and jump on my boyfriend without fear of him clawing his eyes out or suffocating him.
It’s so stupid because I can literally look at every woman and find their unique beauty and appreciate it. Why can’t I do that to myself? I suppose I’m not the only one, so why can’t we give ourselves a bloody break!? We created life! And people can say; “you look beautiful”, “you look amazing”, but I could do with hearing: “Aimee why the fuck are you still in size 14 clothing you fat whore!”. But then I would cry and call that person a cunt behind their back and slag them off to everyone so those people could tell me I’m beautiful.
Anyway, I’ve eaten like 4 packets of crisps tonight, pasta and a mini mars bar with a glass and a half of wine to drown my sorrows.
I’ll start the diet again tomorrow. (Starving myself and drinking black coffee until I feel so sick I desperately raid the cupboards).
Stupid vicious circle.